Poem: First Kiss (comments welcome. please let me know what you think?

I appreciate how free everyone is with their comments and advice (even when you don't like it). Thanks.



First Kiss



We were talking

like all the other times:

class was stupid,

your middle name,

Joy, first dog,

a corgi.

I wasn’t prepared.

Face close

filling my vision,

a terrible moon.

Wasn’t told.

Hands shaking

looking for somewhere

to hide, drawn to your side

then the back

of your neck, carelessly

searching.

You smelt like imitation perfume

sold in gas stations,

plastic gardenias.

Your too-tight sweater

pink sliding up.

Veered to the right

barely missing

your nose, breathless…

air caught in my throat.

Falling into the taste

cranberries

the feel leather,

rougher than I’d imagined.

You moved

with urgency, starving—a crow plucking

pieces from an apple.

Pecking away. Your last meal.



a knock…



muffled words

face flushed

pretending

to play chess

as he came in to watch us

make

move

after

move.
Poem: First Kiss (comments welcome. please let me know what you think?
I enjoyed this poem thoroughy. The short lines keep the tension of the work. You've improved on a timeless--and oft abused--topic. Favorite lines 'a crow plucking/pieces from an apple./Pecking away. Your last meal." evokes that first kiss moment perfectly. Your ending is also wonderful, with the percieved and presumed guilt brought on by the other male (father/brother/boyfriend). You've created the mood, created the tension and bring a lot of us back to our own "First Kiss."

Only call-out: "too tight sweater" Different wording? The hard accent of the "t" interferes with the flow for me. Or repeat "too tight/too pink sweater..."



I'm most likely overthinking.



Thanks though, for sharing. Good work.
Reply:I think it's beautiful, Todd. Wonderful and beautiful. Bravo, my friend. Bravo.
Reply:No offense but did you just say anything random for this 'poem'?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Reply:Todd, this one describes a first kiss to a "T"! Awkward, and confusing and lovely and not very good, but awesome all rapped into one kiss! The structure of the poem matches the tone. I loooove the ending with the dad hovering over your chess game! Very well done : )
Reply:I liked this poem ;it is a little different; but still really cool ,.,.
Reply:what the hell?
Reply:If you would use more powerful verbs, I think I would of liked it. I felt as if the verbs/adjectives were weak.
Reply:Are all "first kisses" this disgusting and anxiety-producing?? I know MINE was. lol Good imagery and "story", Todd. I give it an A.
Reply:I think I like it.
Reply:I loved it! It was so real! You pointed out that everything wasnt perfect but it didnt need to be. Some of the most treasured moments are the onse that arent perfect, planned. My favorite line was:



"Hands shaking

looking for somewhere

to hide, drawn to your side"

I loved that line because it showed how she was nervous, and it painted a picture in my mind, how scared she was.



The chess part was great too. I caught that when you play chess you move the pieces. And you werent just moving the pieces, you were making moves of your own. I also loved how at the end you put one word to each line. It creates a dramtic pause in the reader's mind.



Great poem!
Reply:best I've read here... refreshing after all the bullshit. I'm inspired man, I'm inspired.



and the verbs and adjectives were not weak, they were just not trite... perhaps that's where the confusion lies for some...
Reply:I always get nervous when I see a title like "First Kiss," as it is so often a precursor to over-sentimentalized drivel, but I really enjoyed this. The halted style really works for this topic, and the details sound much more like what an adolescent's first kiss is than what they imagine or wish it to be. Nice work!
Reply:This it cute! Although I guess this isn't really just the first kiss...Maybe a first kiss with another new girl? Maybe the real first first kiss happened long in the past where one couldn't have been more aware of anything outside that kiss like perfume? and plastic gardenias?...Ha-ha-ha!
Fitness Shoes